Honest thoughts about motherhood, weeks before I become a mother

**Edit: I wrote this post back in March and forgot to post it. I read it again now (in August) and wanted to post it to remember how I felt back then, before Hudson entered this world. It is just so crazy how much our lives have changed since this post was written!**

 I sit here in my living room on the recliner waiting for the Bachelor to come on TV. It's a Monday evening. I just ate dinner, enchiladas, and now I have a baby who is tumbling around inside my belly happy with my food choice. The shirt i'm wearing that I bought in the first trimester barely stretches over my belly now, but I'm so close to the end that I'm refusing to buy more clothes.

I can't help but think about how in a matter of weeks, my life is about to completely change. I'm honestly kind of nervous about it. Trevor and I are both really selfish right now. Our lives together are so good. We like to be lazy on the weekends and sleep in, then slowly stumble out of bed and make pancakes or french toast together. We are constantly being goofy together and laughing and I don't want the dynamic of our relationship to change at all.

I'm a planner. I always have been. I like writing down my goals for the upcoming year and accomplishing them. Trevor and I had a lot of plans for 2019: To become debt free, to become travel nurses again, to take a trip to New Zealand and Australia.

Becoming parents wasn't a part of our 2019 plan.

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a mother. I know once this sweet baby is in my arms, everything will make sense. People say that life truly doesn't begin until you have children, and I can't wait to experience that feeling. I'm also nervous. I'm nervous about being a mom and raising a child. Am I adequate enough? Some days I forget to feed my dog, what kind of mother will I be? Luckily, a baby doesn't let you forget when he's hungry so I think I will be good in that department. Am I patient enough? Forgiving?

Trevor and I were laying in bed the other night talking about who we think our son will become. Will he be silly like us? Will he think that we are funny? We wondered about his personality. Will he be patient like me, or impatient like Trevor? Will he play golf?

Finally, the last thing I said was, "The only thing I want him to be is a good person." I think that if I raise a child that is kind and considerate in this world, that will be all that matters.

Becoming parents wasn't part of our 2019 plan at all. But sometimes the best "plan" is the one that you didn't plan at all. And we are so excited to start this chapter in our lives.