I'm sitting here in my living room this morning with my cup of coffee, the Christmas tree is lit and i'm just enjoying the quiet of the morning. I was lucky enough to get the day after Christmas off work so i'm planning on cleaning up a bit from the festives and doing a little after Christmas shopping with my mom and sister.
The end of a year is always a great time for reflections. I usually reflect on the year and the things that I accomplished. This year, i'm looking ahead to the upcoming year and deciding what path I want to take.
I truly enjoy my job as an Operating Room nurse. For the most part, I look forward to going to work every day and my coworkers are great. They make you feel like family. However, do I want to do this the rest of my life? Not really.
The stress that comes with being a nurse is something that not even nursing school can prepare you for (although nursing school is another category of stress itself). I didn't realize that when I chose to be in this profession that I was essentially signing up for a lifetime of stress. I keep thinking that if I change specialties or go into a different type of nursing that my stress level will improve, and so far that has not been the case.
When I started working on Labor and Delivery, I never even fathomed how stressful that job would be. You get to hold babies all day long, right? I quickly learned that that's not the case. Although I truly consider Women's Health and Labor and Delivery to be two of my passions, I don't think I will ever return to the job because of how stressful it was. You have two lives on your hands, not just one, and the death of a baby is something that will scar you for life.
In the Operating Room, all of the responsibility of the patient falls on your shoulders. As the nurse, you are the coordinator of the room between the scrub techs, anesthesia, the doctors, and the charge nurse. You are the resource person for everyone, which is a lot to put on one person's shoulders. Although I feel as if I can juggle the responsibility fairly well, it does come with the cost of me going home, mentally and physically exhausted after running around all day trying to keep my room running smoothly.
When I graduated High School I really had no idea what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I started out in Elementary Ed, but after the market crashed and teachers everywhere were being furloughed, I quickly changed my major. I switched to nursing because I knew I could get a job anywhere in that field. When I started nursing school I constantly questioned, "Is this really for me?" and wondered if I made the right decision. Being afraid of being a failure if I switched majors again, I pushed through and graduated.
Being a nurse is something that I still question if it is for me to this day. Sure... I enjoy it. But it really isn't my burning passion. Another thing that nursing school doesn't prepare you for is how you will be talked down to by doctors, physician assistants, and CRNAs daily. If I knew how degrading the job would be at times I know for sure I never would have chosen this profession. In my eyes, everyone in the health care system works as a team and I would never talk down to the people that help me. However, people of "higher power" say some of the most ridiculous things to me at times that people wouldn't even believe and it doesn't make a healthy work environment at all.
The only thing I have ever dreamed of being in life was a mother.
In my early college days, I spent hours and hours reading blogs written by mothers about parenting and navigating mom life. I browsed the Better Homes and Gardens website looking at house building plans and kitchen layouts, just dreaming of the day when I would have my own home to cook in. I dreamed of dancing around the kitchen with my babies, baking cookies, taking them to the park, and doing basic mom things. I would dream of my future life into the late hours of the night, and at one point I was determined that I would have at least 5 kids.
When I became a nurse, I briefly pushed these dreams to the side while I concentrated on being the best I could be at my job. Trevor and I both worked our butts off, working crazy shifts, moving to the desert in the middle of nowhere, picking up overtime. That was fun for awhile, but I was burned out from it rather quickly. Now that I'm pregnant and imagining the upcoming year, the dreams I once dreamed about motherhood are coming back. I dream of buying a farmhouse with land where we can remodel the inside and our babies can grow up. I dream of being home with my babies every day, coming up with fun recipes and being the best mom I can be. The thought of it truly excites me more than any other career ever did. One thing I know for sure? I am not going to miss out on being with my babies due to a job that doesn't bring me joy.
I'm not sure exactly what path my future will take career wise. I know I am planning on going casual at my job after the baby is born, and that means I will only have to work 3 days a month at the minimum. Trevor is planning on a job change as well as soon as his back is healed, that way he will make more money and we will be able to afford for me to stay home more. I'm so thankful for him that he is willing to do whatever it takes for our family and for me to be happy. I'm not sure how I scored such an amazing guy. One thing I know for sure, I'm so excited to become a mom and this will be the best year yet.
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